Feel the love?

Falling out of love

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I’m an incorrigible romantic, so I’m hoping to drag Olly along to Madonna’s new film about Wallis Simpson and King Edward VIII.

Describing her credentials for directing the film, the queen of pop says she knows “…what it feels like to be swept off your feet and to feel a deep love…”.  But, having experienced her fair share of break-ups, she’s also keen to point out that lasting relationships need more than that.

Divorce lawyers Grant Thornton suggested that celebrities such as Madonna were encouraging the rest of us to view love selfishly, as they published news that in the last year ‘falling out of love’ replaced infidelity as the top cause of marriage breakdown.

It is natural to equate feelings with relationships.  A psychological study of a man with a recently-acquired brain injury found that he no longer had any feelings when he saw his mother, so he concluded that she wasn’t his mother, and wouldn’t be persuaded otherwise.

But what if we don’t feel love for a partner, friend, colleague or stranger – does that leave no hope for a loving relationship?

Love triangle

Thankfully love, as modelled in the Bible, is not based on capricious Cupids and fluffy feelings.  Like its counterparts, faith and hope, feelings are intrinsically linked to thoughts and the will.  The three form a triangle, each influencing the others.  But the will is where the rubber hits the road.

The beauty of this truth is that we are never held captive by lack of love – love is an action.  So whether or not we feel love, we choose to act lovingly.

Jesus called us to, “Love each other as I have loved you.”  Which is no candyfloss kind of love when you consider, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Brain changer

The bonus is that acting in love can change the way we feel as well.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Lara Honos-Webb explains, “When we help others and do kind acts, it causes our brain to release endorphins, the chemicals that give us feelings of fervor and high spirits” and “…gives the brain a serotonin boost, the chemical that gives us that feeling of satisfaction and well-being.”

There is also a phenomenon called the investment effect.  It turns on its head the notion that we do things for those we love: Of course we do, but we also love those for whom we do things.  The more time and effort we invest in a person, the more we want to see the best for them.

Just do it!

In an ideal world we would always have pure motivations to love people simply because they are human beings made in the image of God, and never, even partly, because it makes us look good or because we feel better for it.

Most of us will never have such consistently unblemished motives.  But Jesus didn’t ask us to love, he told us.

Mother Theresa said, “If you are kind, people will accuse you of selfish motives; be kind anyway.”

So don’t sit around waiting to feel the love for your partner, friend or someone you pass in the street.  Just get out there and love.

The ultimate detox

Christianity’s best kept secret

Cabbage soup

Have you ever ‘detoxed’?  According to tescodiets.com, four million Brits attempted to give up alcohol for January last year.

Despite the high failure rates, we love to detox.  Not because Gillian McKeith nags us to, but because it makes us feel better about ourselves.  We see it as reparation for our excesses.

The Christmas puddings caused us to do wrong, so now we must be punished with cabbage soup.  As well as a temporarily slimmer waistline, detoxing gives us a sense of balance, of peace.

Naughty but nice

The language of indulgence and detox is borrowed directly from our religious traditions; ‘naughty’ cakes; ‘guilty’ pleasures.  Slimming World even calls calorific foods ‘sins’.

This stems from our inherited idea of religion as some kind of heavenly balancing act, where our bad actions must be outweighed by good.

Most religions tell us that our salvation or higher state is achieved through doing good things, adhering to laws, self-denial or achieving a more disciplined state of mind.

Even certain Christian denominations have been prone to preach that forgiveness and a right relationship with God is to be achieved by attending church, reciting prayers or even self-flagellation. In a terrible irony, through its efforts to ‘be good’ and please God, the church continues to obscure the greatest secret of all.

Martin the monk

So ingrained in our collective psyche is the idea of earning salvation, that theologians such as Martin Luther remain famous for challenging it.

After years as a self-denying monk, Luther came to realise that nothing he could do, even sleeping out in the snow in harsh winters, could earn God’s favour.  His revelation that the work had already been done once and for all transformed the church.

The truth was in the Bible all along, but had been too hard for many to accept: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”

So good, it’s criminal

So why do many people still cling to their good deeds?  I suggest that Christians give to charity, read the Bible and try to be ‘nice’ people because it makes life feel fair and feeds our sense of pride.

But the harsh and beautiful reality is that grace is far from fair.  It’s scandalous and we are the beneficiaries.

Moments before he died, a hardened criminal acknowledged that Jesus, who was being crucified alongside him, was God’s son.  Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Wailing into dancing

Even knowing this, I’m often tempted to beat myself up over my latest transgression.  When that happens I try to turn that thought into gratitude.  My failings remind me that even my greatest efforts can never be enough, but Jesus chose to die in my place, so that I am free to have a relationship with him.

His gift wasn’t so that we could rush out and gorge ourselves on deep-fried sins, but rather live happy guilt-free lives in gratitude.

King David wrote: “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.”

If you resolve to do just one thing this year, I challenge you to find out more about the wonderful, difficult, beautiful, shocking reality that is grace.

There’s a reason they call it amazing.

Ask for more this Christmas

Why receiving may be better than giving after all

That John Lewis ad

Have you seen this year’s John Lewis Christmas ad?  Who wouldn’t love to have children that prefer giving presents to receiving them?

A recent survey showed that people who gave money away were considerably happier than those who spent it on themselves.  Giving thoughtful gifts gives us pleasure because we imagine the joy they will bring to others.  It makes us feel effective, useful and generous.

Even Jesus said that it is more blessed to give than to receive.  So point made then?  We should all give lots this Christmas time.  Well not exactly.

If giving is so good for you, then why are we hogging it?  Perhaps this Christmas we could allow our loved ones the joy of being givers, by becoming good receivers ourselves.

Stiff upper lips

Unfortunately, we Brits are notoriously rubbish receivers.  We find it hard to accept anything – compliments, gifts, help etc.  Stiff upper lip and all that.

We mistakenly believe that asking for help makes us look weak, and that to be respected or seen as caring we need to give tirelessly.

Of course the bible entreats us to give expecting nothing in return, but it also encourages us to be cheerful givers.  A sour-faced martyr slaving away resentfully over Christmas dinner, whilst everyone else sprawls on the sofa, benefits no-one.  I’d rather have a microwave lasagne and a happy atmosphere.

But is it morally wrong to step back sometimes and be a receiver?

Expensive perfume

Jesus was a receiver.  Clearly, this didn’t stop him giving.  He dedicated his ministry to teaching, healing and ultimately dying for other people.  But he understood acutely the need to allow others to give.

When a woman came and poured a bottle of expensive perfume over him, Jesus was the only person who didn’t try to stop or rebuke her.  In fact he said, “She has done a beautiful thing”.  The woman’s heart must have leapt as she heard those affirming words.

Most of us would have told her not to be silly, “Put that perfume away”.  The impact of the insightful gift would have been lost.

Give the gift of giving

Being a good receiver takes practise.

This Christmas it could mean asking for or accepting help from guests, most of whom will be more than pleased to be asked to contribute.  Whether it’s bringing a drink, helping to cook or fixing the radiator for you.  People feel uneasy and indebted if they aren’t allowed to give.

When someone says how good you look or how well you’ve cooked, practise smiling and saying a simple, honest thank you, even if you think you look fat and can’t cook.  And when you receive a gift let them know how much you appreciate the thought that has gone into it.

Being a skilled receiver is not about being greedy or demanding.  It’s about balance, and everyone benefits.

So demonstrate your love this Christmas as never before.  Become a gracious receiver and allow those around you to experience the unparalleled joy of giving.

Is it possible to age gracefully?

Mixed messages

“Oh Anne Robinson, just why can’t you age gracefully?” asks one exasperated columnist of the presenter’s latest facelift, whilst another unkindly describes 63 year old Judy Finnegan as looking ‘exhausted’ and ‘puffy-eyed’.

Ok, two Daily Mail examples.  Research purposes only, you understand.  But mixed messages about women and ageing are ubiquitous.

We live in a world where older women in the public eye are damned if they make an effort with their looks and damned if they don’t.  The only women that the media allows us to respect are those with great bone structures, who naturally look fabulous despite their years (think ex-models Helen Mirren and Joanna Lumley).

Magazine articles telling us that age is not important anymore run alongside ads for anti-ageing creams. We’re told it’s ok to be old, but only if you look young.

This leaves most of us normal women confused.  We rush out and buy expensive skin creams and then feel guilty about not ‘ageing gracefully’.

The harsh truth

The truth is that ageing can be harsh, especially for women.  Our age is linked to how we look, which is linked to our attractiveness, which in turn is linked to feeling noticed, loved and accepted.  If we believe that we have to resemble an ex-model to be valued in life it can be very disheartening.

Yet the media insists on providing us with naturally gorgeous people patronising us about how easy it is to be beautiful.  Said Joanna Lumley, “We’ve all got a few more wrinkles, but who cares? If you always try to be kind, you’ll look like the most beautiful person on Earth – and men will just fall at your feet.”  Ok…

Beauty on the inside?

A more honest approach would be refreshing.  I would rather see a normal woman explaining how she made the best of her looks than a celebrity trying to convince me she’s successful because of her inner beauty.

Instead of Imedeen and Dove ads pretending to buck the trend by running modeling competitions for ‘beauty on the inside’ why don’t they just come clean and admit that even they’re just looking for people with big smiles and great skin?  I suspect my internal beauty is simply not that photogenic

Ageing gracefully

It’s easy just to blame the media for perpetuating the elusive ideal of eternal youth.  But we are part of the problem.

We revel in the bitching about who’s had ‘too much work’ or who looks old and haggard.  Magazines and TV programmes cater to our love to bitch (think Heat or the X-Factor auditions).  We buy into them and the circle continues.

No wonder older women in the spotlight are obsessed with their looks – we make them that way.

Most of us will never look like Helen Mirren or have extensive ‘work’ done.  We’ll look average, a bit wrinkly, a little saggy.  Rather than falling at our feet when we’re being kind, men, with great concern, will comment that we’re looking tired.

Acceptance of ageing will always be a struggle, but it might be just a little bit easier if we turn off the TV and get on with the more meaningful things in our lives.  And, whilst we’re at it, stop the bitching and let everyone else get on with theirs.

If we want to grow old gracefully then, I suspect, being gracious is probably our best bet.

It’s a riot

Why freedom isn’t the absence of rules

“The level of lawlessness was shocking and wholly inexcusable”, declared the joyously named Lord Judge in defence of long sentences for offenders in the recent riots.

But lawlessness was exactly the ill-thought-through ‘philosophy’ the rioters were championing, with one claiming, “It’s all about showing the police we can do what we want.”

Such a simple remark spoke piquantly of a general lack of understanding of the need for the rule of law.  A PC culture where we encourage young people to question authority has somehow morphed into a mindless hatred for all authority, whether good or bad.  It appears that rather than being taught how to discern good government from bad, many are simply receiving the message of anarchy for anarchy’s sake.

But young people don’t need encouragement to rebel.  It is the right of passage for all adolescents to assert their independence by contesting the boundaries and authority that they accepted as children.

On good authority

This adolescent rejection of authority often extends to Christianity.  Due to boring Sunday school experiences or skewed media stereotypes, many people view God as a vindictive and dogmatic authority figure and so, understandably, choose to rebel against him.

Christians need to challenge these views.  The bible tells us that we are all children of God and loved by him, so we can come to him without fear, knowing that his chastisement is for our own good:

‘Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.’ He corrects us, not to hurt us but to protect us.  Discipline in its purest form simply means to make us into disciples.

Land of libertarian dreams

Mitch Benn, musical comedian extraordinaire, explained the downfalls of rejecting all authority rather eloquently in song:

“There’s a land far away, where men are truly free.

With no government upon their backs they walk in liberty.

And they stand up on their own two feet and live just how they please.

‘Til they get killed in some tribal conflict or die of a curable disease.

In Somalia, Somalia – land of libertarian dreams…”

Authority is not intrinsically bad.

To set the oppressed free

As for the accusation of God’s laws being dogmatic, Jesus himself challenged the religious people’s ultra-strict adherence to the law when they accused him of picking grain to eat on the Jewish day of rest, saying, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

God’s laws are there for our good.  King David wrote, “Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.”

I can see many instances in my own life where God’s laws, although frustrating at times, have protected me, and, like David, I’m incredibly thankful.

Jesus said of his father, “He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free…”  So let’s do the same, not in fear and trembling, but secure in God’s perfect, liberating love.

Kings of convenience

Restoring our sense of wonder in the modern world

‘Modern’ art

Old met new at the Tate Modern this week, as a 42-foot high silent film became the latest exhibit to transform the famous Turbine Hall.  Artist Tacita Dean created the work as a “visual poem” to celebrate the dying art of analogue filmmaking.

No doubt the grainy memorial will prove a popular exhibit, as it touches the nation’s yearning for a simpler, more romantic past.

Loss of romance

In an era of swift change we often find ourselves yearning for the way things used to be:

Lovingly written letters rather than dashed-off emails, secrets gathered from leather-bound books in dusty libraries instead of a quick internet search, roaring fires and flickering candles, now snuffed out by central heating and electric lighting.

Our reaction

As an antidote to the demise of mystery and wonder in our lives we fall in love with Brian Cox’s whimsical wonderings, we dabble in eastern spirituality and we lap up Harry Potter with child-like excitement.

In a desperate attempt to recreate an imagined past where time was plentiful and pleasures simple, we get misty eyed about analogue film, seek out crackly vinyl records and make roast potatoes, just the way Granny did.

And yet the knowledge that we could do all these things more easily if we just decided to, means that their romance can never be quite the same.

Fighting a losing battle

The principle of least effort states that humans will naturally choose the most convenient path.  We love the independent butcher and grocer, but it’s raining and we’re in a hurry, so we go to Tesco.

We fight tooth and nail to save our local library, but it’s easier to stay at home, conduct our research via Google and read our novels on a Kindle.

We cause the death of the things we love, because we love convenience just that little bit more.

Embrace technology

There is a time for mourning the passing of old ways; for remembering nostalgically what it was like to get lost with a map printed on actual paper, rather than with a faulty satnav; for home-baking cupcakes, even though the corner shop sells a cheaper, tastier version.

But clinging to the past is ultimately futile.  We have to accept that we are and always will be kings of convenience, lapping up every advance that makes our lives easier.

We can’t go back in time, and in many ways wouldn’t want to.  Technological progress is generally positive; if it wasn’t we wouldn’t embrace it.

Medical advances keep us living longer and more healthily.  Skype allows us to keep in touch with relatives overseas.

Technology isn’t the problem, but rather our over-reliance on it.  Our challenge is to make it our servant, not our master.

So next time you save ten minutes by emailing rather than writing, make technology work for you.  Rather than mindlessly frittering away that time on the computer, consider chatting to a colleague or taking a walk round the park.

Times may be a-changing, but people will always be mystifying, nature will always be fascinating and the sky will always very, very beautiful, and only a glance away from your computer screen.

Slut walks and the psychology of blame

No means no

“No means no, however we dress, wherever we go.”

Thousands of provocatively dressed protesters have been marching through cities across the world on ‘Slut walks’, chanting slogans against a Canadian policeman who cautioned students to “avoid dressing like sluts” in order to stay safe.

The message ‘Don’t blame the victim’ came across loud and clear.

Why we blame

But do we blame the victim and, if so, why?

Last year a survey by Havens Sexual Assault Referral Centres found that 54% of women think rape victims are sometimes to blame for their attack.

This tendency to blame is understandably couched in self-preservation.  We want to believe such things would never happen to us, so we look for what the victim ‘should’ have done differently, particularly with traumatic violent and sexual assaults.

I caught myself doing it last week when I read about someone nearby who had been assaulted in their own home by an intruder.

Immediately I questioned whether they owned an alarm or had previously upset the attacker.  Subconsciously, I was partially blaming the victim in order to ease my troubled mind.  

Black, white or grey?

Psychologist Ofer Zur asserts that we are right to suspect that the situation isn’t always black and white.

Zur suggests that a murder ‘victim’ who is a rapist, killed in self-defence by the stranger that he was attacking, is entirely to blame.

However, we tend only to think of the worst incidents, where the victim is entirely blameless, such as a child attacked by an adult.  But statistics show it is rarely this simple.  In the US, 88% of murder victims have an ongoing relationship with their murderer.

Because this is such an emotive subject, it is understandably easier to be politically correct, assigning all the guilt to the perpetrator, than risk upsetting those who have already been hurt.  However, we don’t need to blame the victim to investigate the circumstances of the situation.

As Zur says, “Do not blame the victim has been translated into: do not explore the role of the victim.”  This is a subtle and important difference.  We can never improve the situation if we don’t understand it.

Understand and improve

As a woman, I wholeheartedly agree with the slogan of the ‘Slut walks’ that “No means no, however we dress, wherever we go”.  However we act we should be able to stay safe.

But it doesn’t necessarily follow that it’s helpful to act or dress provocatively.  Paul writes that, “All things are lawful, but not all things edify.”

Humans are made for relationship, and as such we are jointly responsible for the culture in which we live.  Whilst everyone is responsible for his or her own actions, we also have the responsibility to help each other not to fall.  If we want men to see women as fellow humans and not sex objects, let’s not act as if we are the latter.

In order to change society for the better, and mitigate further violence towards women, we must not be afraid to examine the wider context in which it occurs.  But first let us look inside ourselves and, as Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”